4 Years

We went out to eat the other day and a little boy came up to Lindy and they started playing. I guessed he was probably 4 years old! My mind raced of seeing Lindy with a little brother and how they would communicate. Dale asked how old he was, 3 years old. I was a whole year off. It’s like a year just disappeared and I have no concept of what a little 4 year old boy looks and acts like! It took my breath away.

Our little Everett would be 4 today and being Dale’s son, he would have been so awesome.

I wish I would have made a different choice that day 4 years ago. I don’t have any other way to say it…I want to have one of those “choose your own adventure” books and go back to the beginning of the book and choose a different chapter. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that had I just gone to the hospital the minute I felt “different”, that he would have been saved. No one can tell me otherwise, even my doctors. It is a burden I will bear for the rest of my life and it brings me great waves of sadness and tears when I think about it. I don’t play the “if only” game a lot, but in this case, yes, if only I had gone to the hospital at 4pm when I started to feel nauseous and sick. Instead of the chapter we chose and didn’t arrive at the hospital until 12 midnight. We didn’t think ANYTHING was wrong. Dale got off work at 8pm and came home. I distinctly remember him saying “are you sure you just don’t want to call the doctor?” and then I’d say, oh, lets wait it out a little longer, besides, who wants to labor in the hospital for hours and hours!? We took our time while my son was dying. We took our time.

The hardest part is knowing they tried to resuscitate him. They would NOT have tried to resuscitate him if he was beyond hope. Thus, telling me that 8 hours earlier, he was still alive. 7 hours earlier he was still alive, 6 hours earlier he was still alive. You get the point. That is what goes on in my head.

I know many of you will try to comfort me with “you just don’t know what could have happened” – so I said it for you, you don’t have to. :)

I ask to choose another adventure but in my heart of hearts, I know, we can be used more by Him on this side of death than the other. So it is a hard thing to say that “I wish it never happened” but also saying “I want my son back, but I want to keep what I have learned from all of this.” Does that make sense?

Today hit me harder than I had anticipated. I let the tears flow. Surprisingly, the tears came as I received messages from all of those we love. Each message was so personal and heartfelt as family and friends remembered us and our baby boy. Many of them from those who held him in the hospital or came to the funeral and then many from all our friends we’ve made along the way.

This year, we didn’t get away on a mini vacation – we wanted to save time and money and well, we are just plain fried from so much stuff going on. So, we did our annual balloon release and visit to the cemetery. Dale was home most of the day, so that was a nice treat.

Then, we purchased tickets to take Lindy to the Disney on Ice show. Ok. So. It was incredible. I wasn’t really excited about it but just this week I had this overwhelming feeling that Lindy is gonna grow out of this princess stuff and soon and that made me really really sad. I discouraged the princess stuff for a long time but somehow, they monopolize everything down to the pencil erasers in the stores, so it just happens. She loved it. And we loved it too. I couldn’t help but talk all about the rigging and the automation. Seriously. That is all I could talk to Dale about. I guess that is when you know what has been going on our life for the past 3 years. It was pretty impressive for a kids show.

I do know that joy does come in the morning – we have tasted it and we are living it. Yes, the pain, the hole is still there in our hearts and I believe it will be there until the day we die, but we move forward and each day we live our new normal. God can make beauty from ashes.

P.S. To top our day off, Dale had a phone interview with another company, the company we WANT to get a job at and it went really really really well. It was a good end to our day.


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