I know this is a highly sensitive topic and very personal but I wanted to address it here.

Just read a blog that I’ve been following and the 5 month pregnant mother just found out that her child has some serious heart defects. She has 3 choices. Abort the baby, deliver the baby and let nature take over where the child will die within a week, or give birth and use every medical intervention possible to save the child.

I immediately commented on the blog (and tried not to be condescending in any way) and said, give the little guy a chance. I would give anything to see my son alive, even if only for 2 minutes. You don’t want to have any regrets. It’ll be a painful time whether it be 2 minutes or 2 years…

Out of 47 comments, I think only TWO of us said, KEEP YOUR BABY ALIVE.

wow.

Everybody kept saying “do what is best for your and your family.” “Your heart will tell you” “Any decision made from love is the right decision.”

WHAT.A.LOAD.OF.CRAP.

Killing your child is not a decision made from love. it is a selfish decision. Even if you say, “I’m doing it to protect the child.” No…more than likely you are doing it to protect YOURSELF. Yes, from all the pain that you will have to go through.

I have always been pro-life; but when I hear of educated woman who have a child in utero that they don’t want and then proceed to kill that child all in the name of love….I just really can’t stomach that thought. I get angry. Hence this blog post.

I am not condemning this woman, I am just deeply saddened that when given a choice, someone CHOOSES for their child to die.

SO CRAZY TO ME.

People say, “you won’t really know what you’d do unless you’re in that situation.” Yes, folks. I do know what I would do. I would NOT terminate the pregnancy. I would not willingly allow a doctor to stop my baby’s heartbeat forever.

I know this is a deep and very personal decision between couples and I have a hard time speaking my mind because I don’t want to get yelled at. I know I probably won’t change anybody’s mind who has already determined in their heart that they are going to abort their child but I just can’t sit back and say “whatever you want to do honey.”

That little boy deserves life, deserves to grow and change and kick and develop, even if he is not perfect. Why do WE get to decide who lives and dies?

I am deeply saddened by the crap in this world and how people truly believe there are no real “right or wrongs” anymore. And so many people ENCOURAGE others to just do what “feels right” for them and nothing else matters.

Again, I am not condemning but there really is right and wrong in this world.

If you have in the past, terminated a pregnancy, I am sure there is deep pain and sadness and guilt but also great sorrow over losing a child. I know part of that pain. I understand that sorrow. This blog is addressed to mothers who are contemplating terminating their pregnancy; I do not want to condemn those who already have. I don’t wish ANY guilt on anyone over their past decisions. Sucks enough if we have guilt, don’t need someone hitting us over the head with it.

I wish that no one ever had to go through the loss of a child -but PLEASE don’t CHOOSE to end the life of something so precious, a child, a blessing no matter what the outcome.

Child of rape, heart defects, no chance of survival. Miracles still do happen today. Each of these children are a gift.

And as I write this, I can’t help but think about the one decision where a mother has to choose HER life or her child’s life. If a woman is 18 weeks pregnant and the doctor says “you must deliver or you’ll die”. How can a mother with 2 kids and a husband at home make that decision? The baby would not survive at that age; but the 2 kids and husband need ‘mom’ around. Is that the only exception to the rule? Is it really an exception?

Can’t wait for God to restore His Kingdom where there will be no more tears. No more death. No more decisions like this.

My three kiddos. They sure do look like siblings. I had to place the girls together because they look SO SIMILAR!

So I had a heart to heart with my OB/GYN office ladies last Thursday regarding the books we had donated for the lobby. I basically just came out and asked my nurse Diane if it was a problem that each book had my Everett sticker in it and why the books were not displayed or available in the lobby. She was very sweet and vehemently denied that it had to do with the sticker in the book and said they are being a little overprotective of the books and holding them in the receptionist area and only really using them if parents come in for an ultrasound and have to wait for a while or when a child is out of control they’ll grab a book.

She totally reassured me and I walked out of there feeling better about the books being at some point, even though I don’t see it. Then the doctor (that I hadn’t seen this pregnancy yet) came in and thanked me for the books and table.

Two days later, I had to go back in for a quick test and as I sat in the lobby, I noticed three books in a chair and a little girl reading them with her grandpa. I was glowing. I was so proud to see them being used. Then Diane grabbed me to take me back and told me they decided to just TEST 3 books in the lobby and see how it goes AND they put a few books in each room as well. It was really nice to see.

I came home and told Dale. He smiled and said, “I guess everyone is talking about the books” because within a 3 day span, everytime I saw a staff member in that office, they were mentioning the books.

So I am relieved that it was all in my imagination and that the Everett sticker is not a deterrent for nice things that we can do in honor of our children.

On that note:

I do believe people in general get MUCH better care at a doctor’s office where everyone knows your name and you know theirs. SERIOUSLY. I really feel these men and women are on top of it; really wanting to make this baby comes out alive. I can call, give them my first name and they know who I am. Now, obviously, we are emotionally tied together because of the death of my son, but it is nice to have a team of people on my side.

I encourage YOU. If you want good care by a doctor, get them to KNOW you and take the time to get to know them. It makes a world of difference. I already have visions of having a cake delivered to the office team when this baby girl gets here safely.

I mentioned a while ago, that the kids table, chairs and books that we donated to our OB/GYN office were in bad shape. Apparently, SOME kids parents ALLOWED them to color ALL over the table and chairs. What parent allows their small child to turn over a table and chairs and color the legs? And all the books were stolen. ugh.

Well, in March, we were able to donate a bunch more books, thanks to our local library, and we also purchased a new table and chairs -complete with a beautiful engraved plate with our son’s name on it.

Here is Lindy trying out the new table at home.

And trying it out at the office.

We added the “In memory of Everett” stickers to each book AND I added these unsightly stickers that say “Property of” “Do not remove.” I placed a sticker on the cover of the books AND one two pages inside the book. I wonder if anyone will think twice about stealing a book from a (DBM) dead babies momma?

The office was thankful and had decided to hold the books in the back and as kids come in, hand them out and ask for them when they leave. Might be a better system. They have YET to hand Lindy a book or any other kid in the lobby one while I’m sitting there. I wonder if there system is working OR…

I wonder if they don’t want to use the books because of the “dead baby” sticker I placed on them. Who would want to promote the fact that one of their patients lost a baby? Maybe they weren’t “stolen” but slowly just eliminated last time?

Am I crazy?

I know each person in the office by name and they know me by voice over the phone…we have a good relationship. I wonder if they wouldn’t have the heart to tell me that?

I have an appointment tomorrow. I might just ask.

Either way, It is such a good feeling to have him with us while I wait in that office. To have a piece of his story still around.

Did anyone else notice that I am my ONLY follower over there? ha. I thought I’d add it to my blog since I have so many hits on the site…just trying to know some of you who lurk…I became my own follower to test it out…seems to be working. Anyone else want to try it? PLEASE be my friend? Do I sound desperate?

Thank you all for your feedback on VBA2C. I wanted to clarify just a few things…one being, YES, I will do whatever it takes to get that baby out in the best way for both of us! And secondly, biggest disappointment in life is obviously not meeting my son…I felt like a shallow whiner when I said biggest disappointment was not giving birth vaginally. (I wonder what kind of hits I am getting on my site because of the use of the V word on this blog!!)

So…it is probably a good thing I am not singing in choir this coming Sunday…as we rehearsed tonight, I just cried like a baby during the song. I really couldn’t even sing the song. I just had to stare at my music. I was so embarrassed, I’m sure the choir director thought I was having a meltdown. And of course, I didn’t have a kleenex at that moment, so I just dripped and snotted all over…all the while trying to sing. Now, had it been some rockin’ song about rainbows or something, I probably could have pulled through, but of course the song is about “Being Still” and “when the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm” “Father you are king over the flood, and “Finding rest for my soul…in Christ alone”. Those can be hard words to sing. I think, ever since Everett died, I’ve been trying to find that “rest for my soul”, I think every parent who has lost a child struggles with that “resting” part. No I’m not talking about sleeping at night, albeit that too, but that rest of trying to figure out “why” all the time and trying to make the death of your child “make sense” in your brain. Add a year and a half of unexplained infertility and the soul could go CRAZY!

Add a new pregnancy now and all the thoughts, worries, and dreams. BE STILL MY SOUL. I just need to scream it at the top of my lungs. The only rest I can find…is in Christ alone. He truly is the only one who can fill that void. It is still hard to sing. A lot of times, I can sing those words and after EVERY sentence in the back of my mind, I bitterly say, “I’d still rather have my son”; but I know when all else fades…loving and serving God is the one thing that matters.

Well, we are planning on winging it this weekend for our yearly “make a good memory” this weekend as we remember the life and death of our son. I cannot believe it has been 2 years. You might remember our trip to randomtown Ohio last year. Seems like such a long time when I say that but the minute you get me talking about THAT night…I feel every emotion down to my core and it is just like it happened an hour ago. I feel all those and yet I can’t grasp those moments holding Everett, it was such a blur.

Anyways, we are leaving for somewhere on Saturday morning, finding a hotel and staying the night and through the day on Sunday, coming home Sunday night so Dale can go to classes on Monday and Tuesday. Still gotta figure out where we are going!!