Soul Vomit

As I sat down to wait for Foster to wake up to feed him, he was so calm and peaceful. Beautiful. Then the young, student nurse comes in and rouses him awake by prodding and pulling and poking. She uses the wrong needle. He is SCREAMING, beat red after waking up to pain in his heel. The nurse has to prick him again. He gets upset ALL over again. She has to push on his heel to get the blood to come out - lots of pressure. Does she know what she is doing? I cringe. No child should enter the world this way. And I feel responsible. I sit there, helpless. I can't get up to comfort him, the nurse is in the way. I can't even get up because I just had major surgery 7 hours prior. I have tears just streaming down my face, at one point, I am sobbing. I HATE thinking that my child is starting out life with so much pain. Yes, in perspective, heel pricks on a scale of EVERYTHING else that could happen, are minimal, but no matter, it makes me bawl. It makes my son scream. It makes me think for just a second, I should never have brought broken children into this world. Then, she hands him to me, all sweaty and upset. I soothe him, feed him and caress him. Then as I'm looking over his body - exploring this little guy who just came out of my body, I notice that both hands are bruised and bloody. Looks as though someone tried to get his IV in - FOUR TIMES. My poor baby has war wounds and he hasn't even been around for 1 full day. I get angry thinking that it was probably that same young student who didn't know what she was doing. In my heart, I blame her. I know I am being unfair. My eyes are so swollen from crying, I'm sure it looks as though I have a deathly ill child. I start to feel really sorry for myself - for what I am missing out on. We are going down the EXACT same road we went on with Ruby and Lindy. I think to myself, I might as well not even try to nurse him because we all know that it doesn't keep their blood sugars up - making them stay even longer. I'm confused. No one can tell me what I should do but history tells me to just give it up. Formula will just have to do. I start to question whether or not God loves me or my children. Wondering if my prayers and those who are praying for us - if those just don't work. It is not like we've only been praying TODAY. I've been praying EVERYDAY that God would spare him of all this pain - spare ME of all this pain. That God would give me something normal. And we were SO CLOSE, or so I thought! We were teased. 3 FULL HOURS of holding him and snuggling him straight out of the womb. Yes, we were worried but I had so much hope! Maybe I did something right?!! We were gonna get away with him! All the compliments from the staff. You must have had really good control of your diabetes - his size is perfect. He's not too big. His sugars, your sugars are perfect. Me actually believing that it makes a difference. And it doesn't. The NICU nurses come and I have to … [Read more...]

What void are you filling?

I had a rare opportunity to go on a date with Lindy over dinner, Ruby free, meaning; no fussing, no wrangling a toddler while trying to eat, no high blood pressure -just calm, time to focus on my 6 year old. While we were waiting outside to be seated, I checked my phone. I guess looking to see if Dale had called. Lindy wanted to play "hide the princess wand" so I obliged - all the while texting a friend some non-critical information. Checked my phone to see if my friend replied. We were sat for dinner, I checked my phone - maybe Ruby was giving Dale a hard time. Within a simple 25 minutes, I checked my phone 5 times. ridiculous. Each time I thought about my phone, pangs of guilt crept up. Why do I need to check my phone right now? Can't I eat dinner for 45 minutes without checking my phone?!! In the back of my mind, thinking of this exact blog post that I've wanted to write for a year. Shaking my head at myself. I've even tried to play the game "don't look at my phone over dinner". I am sad to admit my own behavior with technology is no different than the majority in this world; my computer, face.book, my phone, - and I don't even have a smartphone! I still just have a teenage girl texting phone! (We are cheap) I am addicted though, needing to get my fix all the time, any time, throughout the day. Ironically, I am spending 2 hours on my computer tonight to write this post. When I sit down and think about it, what is it that I really need from other people ALL the time? Because, that is what it is....a need to be filled by someone else. Of course, I can suggest that I check face.book ALL THE TIME so that I don't miss ANY special announcement and so I don't have to scroll through 25 pages worth of people's lives to catch up from yesterday. Because in fact, I'm only checking, texting, (I can't even say blogging because I'm not consistent enough with it, ha), because I am filling a void in my life - filling a space, a hole. And I'm filling it with -other people. In our world of chaos and business and tweets and texts, I believe silence is escaping our souls. It is a stealthy (is that a word? It just doesn't flow right) idol; we don’t think twice about browsing the internet for hours or checking our messages 10 times a day, but we are filling the void in our souls with constant connection with others. As I sat at dinner at restaurant with my husband a few weeks ago, I looked around and I did not find more than 2 people who were distraction free, meaning they did not have a phone in hand, on the table, or vibrating in their pockets, or answered it during dinner. Who ARE we that we cannot go to dinner without having our phones on the table in front of us?! Do you know who visits us in our silence, in the quiet spot of our souls? Our Maker. He meets us in that silence. Now, I’m not suggesting that God doesn’t speak to us through the fabulous NIV translation on our fancy phones, but I am suggesting that … [Read more...]

4 Years

We went out to eat the other day and a little boy came up to Lindy and they started playing. I guessed he was probably 4 years old! My mind raced of seeing Lindy with a little brother and how they would communicate. Dale asked how old he was, 3 years old. I was a whole year off. It's like a year just disappeared and I have no concept of what a little 4 year old boy looks and acts like! It took my breath away. Our little Everett would be 4 today and being Dale's son, he would have been so awesome. I wish I would have made a different choice that day 4 years ago. I don't have any other way to say it...I want to have one of those "choose your own adventure" books and go back to the beginning of the book and choose a different chapter. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that had I just gone to the hospital the minute I felt "different", that he would have been saved. No one can tell me otherwise, even my doctors. It is a burden I will bear for the rest of my life and it brings me great waves of sadness and tears when I think about it. I don't play the "if only" game a lot, but in this case, yes, if only I had gone to the hospital at 4pm when I started to feel nauseous and sick. Instead of the chapter we chose and didn't arrive at the hospital until 12 midnight. We didn't think ANYTHING was wrong. Dale got off work at 8pm and came home. I distinctly remember him saying "are you sure you just don't want to call the doctor?" and then I'd say, oh, lets wait it out a little longer, besides, who wants to labor in the hospital for hours and hours!? We took our time while my son was dying. We took our time. The hardest part is knowing they tried to resuscitate him. They would NOT have tried to resuscitate him if he was beyond hope. Thus, telling me that 8 hours earlier, he was still alive. 7 hours earlier he was still alive, 6 hours earlier he was still alive. You get the point. That is what goes on in my head. I know many of you will try to comfort me with "you just don't know what could have happened" - so I said it for you, you don't have to. :) I ask to choose another adventure but in my heart of hearts, I know, we can be used more by Him on this side of death than the other. So it is a hard thing to say that "I wish it never happened" but also saying "I want my son back, but I want to keep what I have learned from all of this." Does that make sense? Today hit me harder than I had anticipated. I let the tears flow. Surprisingly, the tears came as I received messages from all of those we love. Each message was so personal and heartfelt as family and friends remembered us and our baby boy. Many of them from those who held him in the hospital or came to the funeral and then many from all our friends we've made along the way. This year, we didn't get away on a mini vacation - we wanted to save time and money and well, we are just plain fried from so much stuff going on. So, we did our annual balloon release and visit to the … [Read more...]