*Update* Ok. So I was a bit harsh and some details were fuzzy. I shouldn’t bash the bio father, I don’t know anything about him. The point is not to bash him but to change the Indian Child Welfare Act that is antiquated.

But, apparently, the adoption WAS NOT finalized with her family and that is why she was placed with her bio father. I still hold true to the fact that she should stay with her adopted family because her father signed away his rights, was not supportive of the mother during her pregnancy and the best thing would have been to keep Veronica with those she knew and loved and not uproot her.

So, I never ever do this, but I’m going to now. It’s my blog. Right?

Has anyone heard the story of a little 2 year old girl, Veronica? She was adopted at birth and has an open adoption arrangement with the birth mother. Beautiful story. The adopting parents were at her birth and they even got to cut the cord. The biological father signed his rights away but the birth mother and the adopting parents stay in contact and share photos and visits.

Well, the biological father just took the family to court and the child was taken from the only family she has known and given to her biological father because he is of the Cherokee Tribe. Yes folks, that’s it. Based on the Indian Child Welfare Act, He still has rights to this littler girl, even though he signed his rights away and hasn’t had contact with her in 2 years -all because she has Cherokee blood.

So, the poor little girl was ripped from her parents arms, shoved in a truck with 3 strangers and driven 1000 miles away from her parents. No transition time, no daily visits from the bio dad for a month until she gets used to him. Absolutely rotten.

Makes me sick to my stomach. I know what it is like to have a child “taken” from you. I don’t even want to think about what this little girl is going through.

Did anyone investigate the father? Anyone look into his past? Anyone inspect his home to see if he was fit to take care of a 2 year old? Anyone make sure he does not have a history of abuse?

Probably not.

What judge in their right mind would close their eyes and make a ruling on an outdated, 1978 law?

So, they are trying to appeal to the Supreme Court. These things take time but unfortunately it looks like they can’t get in until springtime. THAT IS A LONG TIME. So, spread the word. Maybe someone will listen and expedite this court date.

In the mean time, I am praying for my OWN heart that I won’t have such hatred towards that biological dad.

So, you might ask…What can I do? Flood the governor’s e-mail box with SAVE VERONICA! It takes less than a minute!

I cried myself to sleep the other night. Thinking of that day, that if I had just made one different choice, he might still be here. Thinking of how close we must have been if they tried to resuscitate him. So close.

As I lay there trying to get to sleep, all I could think about my son dying inside of me. I kept replaying those events. Waking up from my nap. Dale at church working. Waking up not feeling quite right. Excited that tonight might be the night that I get to meet my son -that I get to go into labor spontaneously. taking Lindy to the couch and letting her watch one of her first long movies, eating some leftover mango italian ice to make my stomach feel better. Feeling worse and worse. Sitting on the toilet off and on all night, reading through my “What to expect” books on labor and experiencing 95% of the symptoms. Getting more excited, but not feeling well. Dale coming home. Us discussing at what point in labor we go to the hospital. Taking a bath and feeling much better. Dale clipping my toenails. There wasn’t any point AT ALL that I thought something was wrong. It felt like labor (Yes I labored with Lindy for 48 hours). As many mothers of children who have died, those distant memories of “that day” feel just as close and recent as a minute ago. The feeling of such pain.

To this day, I don’t know if they saw any heart activity on the ultrasound. I remember us only hearing one heart beat but after hearing that, I was in surgery probably 7 minutes later. Did they see him moving? What did that ultrasound look like? Did they just see a big pocket of blood? They didn’t say “we don’t hear a heartbeat” they didn’t even tell me what was going on…As they were putting me under, I was counting down…and praying desperately for everything to be all right. The hauntings that will go to my grave with me.

As I hold my Ruby, my mind wanders and sometimes I try to envision holding my son and wondering what he would be like. No child will ever replace the one that has left a void in my life. An aching hole that will never go away on this side of heaven. A son I will never know.

I stalk a friend and her little boy on facebook. He was born a day after Everett, March 2nd. He is such cutie, but when I look at him, I realize that he is a little tiny man! My Everett would be a little man -with loads of hair -probably curly. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about carting 3 kids around and how much trouble Everett would be getting into.

I miss him so much.

I love you my sweet Everett.

Ok. Quick stories so I can catch everybody up to speed.

This is Lindy at her Church Christmas performance. Yes, she was the one picking her nose instead of singing for MOST of the songs.

I went out to do some christmas shopping and came home to find Lindy in the living room playing with some packing peanuts. Daddy was cleaning the basement and thought the box of peanuts would be a good distraction. I walked in at 7:30pm….saw the mess and went straight to bed I was so mortified.

Do you realize that those peanuts, when ground all up stick to EVERYTHING?

I guess it took them and HOUR AND A HALF to clean up the mess with the shop vac. Dale said “never again.” Then, he said, “well, Ruby should be able to experience it too…”

Lindy and I took an afternoon and made the famous Copus Christmas cookies. I intended to make some beautiful cookies but realized that I could not be a perfectionist in this situation. IT.WAS.HARD. But I just let Lindy make whatever she wanted and however she wanted. I’ll have to make my own next year.

Stockings on Christmas Eve!

Ruby -5 months old!

ALWAYS watching her big sister…

Ruby is not eating well or sleeping well again -but I’ll take it! She is an absolute sweetheart anyways. Even if she doesn’t get enough sleep, she is a sweetheart. so happy. I think some more research needs to be done on these heart babies and their eating. I keep reading about other heart kiddos and they all have very similar eating problems.

We started her on the REAL foods this week (we’ve been doing rice cereal for a month). I don’t think she likes it yet, but I do. Her acid reflux seems BETTER because of some of this solid food in her belly. I didn’t get her the acid reflux meds until this evening and she showed no signs of acid reflux bothering her all day!! In the past, if I missed a med by a few hours, she would be irritated from her acid reflux. AND she started sleeping longer at night again. She is totally opposite of Lindy or rather my “methods” are totally opposite. She is a demand fed, pacifier, rock to sleep baby. It is really really hard for me. I think the babywise system is ideal and she is the exact opposite. I don’t really like the fact that she has to be fed to sleep or pacified to sleep and I’m definitely creating a monster, but I’ll worry about that later.

Big sister Lindy turned FIVE this week. We celebrated, the 4 of us; no owls or candyland party this year. Just us. You can see the lame cake I did this year. I bought a cake at 8am, cut princess pictures off the back of a new coloring book and smooshed them into her cake. That’s it. I don’t think she cared either way.

I am so proud of my curly haired girl.