6 Years

Dear Everett,

6 years have gone by since our world changed – when you were born into Heaven.

Each year, as we celebrate your birthday, brings different emotions. I don’t know why, but this year was tough. Really tough. I started crying at really really random times on Wednesday and haven’t stopped since. I even found myself crying at Parent Teacher Conference Night! Lordy! I was talking to a fellow mom whose sister lost a child – and I couldn’t stop thinking about her this week and the tragedy. So many babies and mother’s on my heart as I think of you.

I can say we are absolutely BLESSED to have met so many amazing people and new friends that have also lost a child. It is a club no one wants to be a apart of, but if you have to, it is nice to know someone is there that understands.

We decided not to do anything crazy special this year. Since your death, we have tried to make a good memory on your birthday. We had a lot going on this weekend, so we stuck around. Maybe that is why I am more emotional. I keep thinking I want to go to the gravesite, not really to see you, but just to be close to that memory. Not sure if that makes sense. I know you are not there.

We never even once considered cremation, but I can see now why people would choose it. To keep their loved ones close. Sometimes I do wish you were close, sitting up on my mantle, but then it kind of sounds a little creepy. Again, I have to tell myself, you are not really there. And I am reassured that our friends visit you at this time every year and planted flowers, so there is life and their is beauty, even at the cemetery.

This year, I couldn’t get thoughts out of my mind that I’m sure everyone goes through and that is the “what ifs”. If I had just gone in sooner, even an HOUR sooner, you might have been saved. I sat at home for 6 hours. SIX HOURS. You had to have been alive during that time.

It’s like when we watch movies, old movies that we’ve seen a million times and we want to change the ending. We don’t want the Titanic to sink or you hope that they don’t slice her throat this time while her husband watches; that you can change the ending THIS time. Yes, that is how it feels going through my head. I think about what could have happened if I had gone in.

Our weekend was full of love and joy from so many people and most of them didn’t walk through that journey with us since we are no longer in Pittsburgh. Friday night, friends took our kids so we could go out to dinner, Saturday morning, a friend took our kids so we could go play with some high schoolers from church, laser tag, MY FAVORITE. And then last night, friends from church invited us over for dinner and to hang out. Surrounded by love and friendship and we are thankful.

I love you Everett. I like to think that you are part of my “cloud of witnesses” and here with us in spirit. Say hi to my brother Brent – I KNOW you are both hanging out.

love,

Mom

 

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My List

I thought this would be a fun addition to the blog. Feel free to add some of yours in the comments!

Making: A website for my web design business so I can get more clients
Cooking: planning on making sloppy joes since I’ll be gone tonight for dinner at a job interview
Drinking: Water everyday, all the time. This week I splurged on Orange/Pinapple juice
Wanting: A dog or 2 cats. Really badly
Looking: For a place to live. quite addicting actually but there is not a lot of inventory.
Playing: Catch with Lindy and Ruby today.
Wasting: The rest of the watermelon because I don’t like to eat the whiteish stuff near the rind.
Crafting: yeah right. I still need to finish Lindy’s tooth fairy pillow to add a pocket to it.
Wishing: I knew where my cats were. I miss them a lot.
Enjoying: Our townhome and neighborhood where my children can play ALL THE TIME.
Waiting: To hear if our bid was accepted on a house
Liking: air conditioning right now!
Wondering: How in the WORLD are we going to move the baby grand piano
Loving: Having Dale home by 5:30 most nights. MAKES MY DAY
Hoping: We get this house and I get this job.
Marveling: At this church I heard about on Sunday called, The Scum of the Earth church.
Needing: to get up from the computer and get the fly swatter.
Smelling: Cow manure right now. The smell is actually coming through our door.
Wearing: My pants to interview in but a ratty shirt just in case Foster throws up on me
Noticing: more freckles and spots on my shoulders and arms. Better make an appointment
Avoiding: My stupid library fines of $7.00
Thinking: constantly about this house and this job.
Bookmarking: A fun party idea – an itty bitty party
Opening: the mail.
Giggling: Because Dale updated his information in my phone and his name as Jamie Lanister.
Feeling: Not optimistic about getting the house we want.

 

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All Schools Day 2014

 

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Baby Chicks

You know me. I ADORE animals. Any kind of animal. Now of course, I have my favorites. Dogs are my favorite -BIG dogs. Cats will do, if I can’t have a dog. You’ve seen all our stories for the past 8 years of animals. From the best dog in the whole world, to the bird that lived for 3 weeks, to the 2 cats that moved with us and never came home one day.

Since we found a new church, we have been connecting with people and making new friends. We made a new friend who owns a dairy farm and she invited us out to see the new baby chicks that were coming in a week. That or I just invited myself, which I probably did. The chicks were to arrive on Friday. Only about 50 THOUSAND of them. ha. Let me tell you. I LOST SLEEP over it. So unimaginably excited to spend time on a farm, playing with animals. We talked about it everyday and then when the day arrived, Lindy couldn’t stop talking about it and Ruby just had no idea what we were saying.

26,000 chicks in this picture. The building is only half full. Once they get another shipment, they open the end up and the building is another 250 feet longer!

Lindy would pound on the black tubing and the chicks would come RUNNING to her. So odd but adorable.

Yes, she is holding three chicks.

Our friends Jane and Paul captioned these photos: Kitty is getting a hug.

Kitty is getting a SECOND hug.

Kitty is being VERY patient!

And we ALMOST took a cat home with us. Oops

They had a border collie dog – one of my favorite breeds. She was beautiful and had the perfect life – roaming on the farm as she pleases. We found 3 cats, saw 40 cows, baby calves, swans on the pond, and all the chicks.

We had a great time out on the farm. The weather was beautiful, Foster cooperated (I was a tad bit intimidated taking 3 kids by myself) and we haven’t stopped talking about it. Our new friend opened her home up to us and was so generous with her time. She had a lot going on at that very moment so her sweet daughter took us around and just jumped in and helped with the kids without me even asking. She said we could come anytime…we MIGHT just do that. Maybe they’ll just give me a key. ;)

What is YOUR favorite animal? Leave a comment below.

P.S. We went and ate at Chick-Fil-A afterwards. tee hee.

 

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5 years

It has been 5 years since Everett died. Like every year, on this anniversary, we try to make a good memory – a memory of us as a family being together, playing together and enjoying each other. This year, we decided to go back to Pittsburgh and be with those we love and those who walked through our grief with us when Everett died.

Hotel with a pool…of course. Foster’s first swim.

Hanging out with some good friends. We were able to see quite a few people in just 2 days – it was so nice to be with them. We had a HARD time getting out of church on Sunday. Gave us a lot of joy to see everyone. We could have spent way more time with friends but between all the naps and cranky kids and eating and swimming – well, it was a jam packed weekend.

Our friends Faith and Hope had fun taking photos with the camera. They took some pretty good ones! I think there might be 1 if not 2 photographers in the making.

Dale and Lindy got to join the hockey fun with friends on Sunday afternoon.

When I think about that weekend, the weekend that changed our life, my focus goes towards the hours leading up to him being born. I can’t help it, it haunts me.

The good news is that God does restore, he does bring healing, he does bring joy. We have tasted it and seen it. We are so thankful for Him surrounding us with such an amazing support in Pittsburgh.

I will always have a hole in my heart. I will always feel that my family is not complete. And now that we are planning on not having any more kiddos, I am trying to wrestle through the finality of that. I think all of us mothers go through a bittersweet phase of no more babies and I think if you ask a 52 year old woman, she might say she’d like a baby again (for maybe a day). Do I want another child to fill that hole or do I just want another baby? At least the doctors are deciding for us. Not recommended to have more than 4 c-sections as a diabetic.

Thank you all for your love and messages on March 1st. We are grateful that you remembered our son.

 

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3 months

My handsome man.


He has found his hands and enjoys sucking on them. Not sure if we are going to have a thumb sucker yet.


So, I seriously debated doing a different photo shoot for the rest of his first year. He HATES the basket. He acts like I’m cutting off a limb.


Here are the girls trying to make him smile – my little helpers.

I’m having SO MUCH FUN with Foster. I can’t emphasize it anymore or you might think I don’t love my girls. ha. Just the fact that I can nurse him and it is WORKING. No supplementing, I’m not second guessing myself every other minute, no milk allergies, no reflux. It is perfect – the way it was meant to be. LOVING it. Yes, I’m up all day and all night nursing him, but I’ll take it. He is very very chill (Dale on the other hand thinks he is fussy)(we don’t agree).

As of 3 months, Foster is smiling, BIG smiles. No giggles, but some cooing. He is grabbing onto toys on his bouncy seat and hanging on. As of today (1.9.2014), he officially rolls from front to back and back to front again. So, you can imagine, he is NOT comfortable in the crib – he doesn’t want to sleep on his belly. He doesn’t want to sleep on his back. He doesn’t want his arms to flail but he doesn’t want to be swaddled. Quite a mess trying to get him to go down to sleep unassisted, but hoping he works his way out of it within the next month. On top of that, he has this little jerking reflex when he’s trying to calm down. The girls didn’t have it and I actually googled “seizures in infants” to see if he was seizing. Everytime I lay him down in his crib, as he’s trying to drift off, his limbs and neck jerk pretty violently. That of course makes him not calm down and it gets him all ramped up again. Sometimes I have to actually hold his arms down on his chest and hold his legs a bit to get him to relax all the way without the jerking. Kind of odd. Might video it for the doctor.

He is a joy to play with. When you stand him up, he puffs out his chest and gets VERY excited about standing up. Lindy has been asking to hold him a lot and just the other day spent about 20 minutes with him in her lap while she played with him. LOVE it. Ruby I’m sure thinks I spend too much time with him, but she loves him anyways. She tries to hold him by herself and that results in her grabbing him by the neck and expecting to hold him that way. Ha. I better not turn my back for too long.

His little belly button hernia is ALMOST all gone. It got quite big there for a while. He has also had clogged tear ducts for a little over a month now, so we are watching them closely. Massaging them every few hours to try and unclog them. One eye has now cleared up but the other is quite stubborn. You can tell in most of the pictures that one eye has been rubbed raw because we cannot have eye goop in our pictures.

He LOVES bathtime with mom
He LOVES being held to go to sleep
He LOVES music
He is starting to HATE the pacifier. I cannot get him to take it anymore AT ALL

I’ll have to give more of an update on the rest of us later! My bed is calling.

 

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