6 years have gone by since our world changed – when you were born into Heaven.
Each year, as we celebrate your birthday, brings different emotions. I don’t know why, but this year was tough. Really tough. I started crying at really really random times on Wednesday and haven’t stopped since. I even found myself crying at Parent Teacher Conference Night! Lordy! I was talking to a fellow mom whose sister lost a child – and I couldn’t stop thinking about her this week and the tragedy. So many babies and mother’s on my heart as I think of you.
I can say we are absolutely BLESSED to have met so many amazing people and new friends that have also lost a child. It is a club no one wants to be a apart of, but if you have to, it is nice to know someone is there that understands.
We decided not to do anything crazy special this year. Since your death, we have tried to make a good memory on your birthday. We had a lot going on this weekend, so we stuck around. Maybe that is why I am more emotional. I keep thinking I want to go to the gravesite, not really to see you, but just to be close to that memory. Not sure if that makes sense. I know you are not there.
We never even once considered cremation, but I can see now why people would choose it. To keep their loved ones close. Sometimes I do wish you were close, sitting up on my mantle, but then it kind of sounds a little creepy. Again, I have to tell myself, you are not really there. And I am reassured that our friends visit you at this time every year and planted flowers, so there is life and their is beauty, even at the cemetery.
This year, I couldn’t get thoughts out of my mind that I’m sure everyone goes through and that is the “what ifs”. If I had just gone in sooner, even an HOUR sooner, you might have been saved. I sat at home for 6 hours. SIX HOURS. You had to have been alive during that time.
It’s like when we watch movies, old movies that we’ve seen a million times and we want to change the ending. We don’t want the Titanic to sink or you hope that they don’t slice her throat this time while her husband watches; that you can change the ending THIS time. Yes, that is how it feels going through my head. I think about what could have happened if I had gone in.
Our weekend was full of love and joy from so many people and most of them didn’t walk through that journey with us since we are no longer in Pittsburgh. Friday night, friends took our kids so we could go out to dinner, Saturday morning, a friend took our kids so we could go play with some high schoolers from church, laser tag, MY FAVORITE. And then last night, friends from church invited us over for dinner and to hang out. Surrounded by love and friendship and we are thankful.
I love you Everett. I like to think that you are part of my “cloud of witnesses” and here with us in spirit. Say hi to my brother Brent – I KNOW you are both hanging out.